you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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