She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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