I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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