tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i wish my penis had a tongue
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
