if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
