I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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