I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My dad is sitting where you rode me
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
