hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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