gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
