Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
