Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
