I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
