I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
