If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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