Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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