Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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