My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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