maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
