I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
