Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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