I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he fucked my hip out of place.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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