Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
