I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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