I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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