Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
