theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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