You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
