No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
