...so i touched it.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
