Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize