it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
