when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
