after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
