im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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