it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
