Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i dont even know how to be here
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I don't deserve a penis
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
