Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
