Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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