Screwed.edu
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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