When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
