Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
