winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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