guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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