I wanna bring you to show and tell
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
