Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
