i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize