On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
