those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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