I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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