ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
