come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
My ATM looks so different sober.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
