Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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