he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
