evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
