So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
