I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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