sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Randomize
