mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
