So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
