I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
